Finding Happiness, Part II

Well, it's been over three months since the last post on this blog. Since then, Bug has overcome some big hurdles we were dealing with in regards to attachment and rigidity, and he finished up sessions of feeding therapy and speech therapy, exceeding all the goals we set for him there. He also finished his first year of preschool and we have seen his social growth. But that's not what I want to write about today.

This is a space to talk about autism and about how it affects Bug; but we also want to talk about how it affects the rest of us, because it does every single day in major and minor ways. What I'm writing about has been in some ways intertwined with having autism as part of our lives, and in other ways, not.

I have been diagnosed with depression.

That may not seem like a major event, but it really has been. It was a long time coming and even though there were signs over a year ago, I never got a formal diagnosis and never seriously stuck with treatment. I'm happy to say that now I am finally feeling like me again.

I don't bring this up as an excuse for neglecting this blog a bit, or for sympathy, or for any other reason than I think it needs to be talked about more. More parents, more women, more LDS church members, more families with special needs children need to know that this can happen to them, and that if it does, it's not anyone's fault. If I can help at least one other person going through the pain I went through for so long, this is worth it. I will continue to write about my experiences with depression and how they have helped me with Bug in the future; this is an introductory post on the topic so you have some background for future reference.

(long post, so click through to read the rest)




One thing I believe that kept me from getting help sooner was my understanding of depression. Essentially, it wasn't much of an understanding at all. I thought of depression as an overwhelming sadness and that its symptoms only included lots of sleep and utter hopelessness. I didn't think I was depressed because at times I could smile and somewhat enjoy life. I didn't spend all day in bed, and I chalked up my difficulties to personal flaws and weaknesses.

So, I'll describe what depression feels like for me. Depression holds my desire and energy to do anything (even the simplest things, like brushing my teeth or going to the kitchen for a glass of water) hostage and doesn't let go. Depression tells me that I am worthless, that all of my efforts to be a good mom and wife and friend and overall person are wasted because I am irredeemable. Depression makes me irritable at the littlest things and sucks true joy out of the things I love most - like spending time with my family and working on my hobbies. Depression keeps me from feeling God's love.

Most of the time before treatment, I wasn't really me. I was a robot, going through (often only some of) the motions of life without much emotion. The most that I felt was an intense self-loathing. I thought I had a self-esteem problem and that I was lazy. I tried "fixing" myself through exercise, drinking more water, reading my scriptures and praying, getting out of the house, and doing more of the things I usually enjoy. I quickly lost momentum with anything new I tried and gave them all up, which only made me feel worse. It was a vicious cycle.

One Saturday morning, I hit a breaking point. I realized that something was truly wrong with me and that I needed help, if not for me, then for my family. I knew they deserved better - the person that I had been and could hopefully be again. I started with talking to a counselor, because I still wasn't sure if I actually was depressed (really). I figured a professional could tell me if I was right about my being lazy or if there was something else going on. Though there were a host of other emotions involved, I mostly felt relief when I was told that I was definitely depressed. Though it was hard at first, counseling helps immensely.

Not being able to trust my own thoughts is something I was not prepared to handle. It was hard to grasp the concept that even though my thoughts are my own and there is nothing superficially wrong with my body, there is something wrong in my brain that distorts the way I perceive myself and the world around me. I have become much better at recognizing what thoughts are true and are purely mine, and which are colored by depression, but I still need help from an outside perspective sometimes. I have accepted that that need for help is okay.

I don't know when my depression started. I suspect it might have been around the time Bug was undergoing evaluations and later received his diagnosis. It's hard to tell for sure, because I think it was a slow downward spiral. I considered depression on and off for a long time and didn't get a diagnosis until things were really bad.

Over the past few months I have been re-learning how to live my life and take it one day at a time. Some days are easy and feel "normal", and some aren't, but the lows aren't so low anymore. I have been focusing more on balance, keeping my priorities straight, and eliminating the unnecessary and unhelpful.

So, some final thoughts. First, if you think at all, even just a little, that you might be depressed: talk to someone about it. Don't hesitate to start getting some help.

Second: medication is not a sign of weakness. It is not a cop-out and it can truly help. However, it is not a cure. I struggled with the prospect of taking an anti-depressant, thinking I didn't really need it. But, I have learned that I do. The difference medication has made is amazing. It doesn't fix all my problems, but it has allowed me to break my cycle of depression and be able to feel more of who I really am.

Third: depression doesn't make you a sinner, and it's not a result of sin. Just like physical infirmities, mental illnesses are a problem of the human body and not of the spirit. It was such an eye-opener for me when I read that depression and other mental illnesses can block the spirit and hamper your relationship with God, through no fault of your own.

I'm still learning. Hard days are no stranger, but overall, I am feeling again and feel more like me. In some ways, I have been able to understand what Bug is going through much better. I know that depression and autism aren't the same, but I think I have had a taste of what it can feel like to be Bug, and what he will feel emotionally as he gets older. I have a greater love for others and am continuing to learn the importance of being like Christ and showing compassion no matter what, because you never know what someone may be dealing with inside. I have learned how strong my testimony of God and the atonement are, because even though there were times I didn't feel love or guidance or anything from God, I already knew he was there. I was able to rely on the times I did feel love and guidance in the past.

This time, I have found happiness. Sometimes depression tries to take my happiness away, but there is one place it can always be found: with my family, wherever we may be.




Some helpful resources on depression:

NIMH page on depression
Wing of Madness, a first-person website on all things depression
What's My M3, online screening tool (remember, it's just a tool - it didn't catch the severity of my depression, because everyone experiences depression differently)

LDS perspectives on depression:

Like a Broken Vessel, Jeffrey R. Holland
Rising Above the Blues (aimed at teenagers, but good for everyone!)
Mental Illness: In Search of Understanding and Hope