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| lds.org, Hymn 105 |
This past year, my faith has been shaken. I didn't expect that. Like everyone else, I've been through trials before that felt never-ending. My trials had always ended, and my faith was always strengthened. When we started the months-long process of diagnosis, I saw the time ahead as another trial that God would pull me through and use to help me become stronger. That positive attitude didn't last too long.
The first few evaluations were okay. I felt a little discouraged, but at the time, we only knew Bug was delayed. A delay brings a sense of ending: if he's delayed, he'll eventually catch up, no big deal. But once everything was pointing more toward autism, I became more and more nervous. I didn't want my son to carry that kind of burden for the rest of his life. Like any parent, I wanted to be able to fix whatever went wrong in his life.
In October, the autism diagnosis brought with it a lot of sadness. We knew that many things would not come as easily to Bug as to almost all the other children we knew. We knew that for the rest of his life, Bug will face stumbling blocks and challenges that others around him may not be able to help or understand. I, of course, didn't want that for Bug.
After the sadness, the questions started to surface. Most of them started with why. Why does Bug have autism? Why him? Why our family? Why would a loving God allow individuals and families to be profoundly affected throughout their lives by incurable, sometimes debilitating, defects, illnesses, and the like?
I'm not the first person in history to ask these questions, so there were plenty of answers to them to be found. And, oh, what a range of answers there are, even among the members of my church. I eventually concluded that I needed to find my own, personalized answers. Even though I was hurting and lost, I knew that if I wanted to come out with stronger faith and testimony, I needed to work on my personal understanding of God and the gospel - not someone else's.
So I prayed, searched, and read, over and over. I found that I needed to return to basic principles, because so often we can get lost in the deeper searching that we let our foundation of faith crumble. Some of the basic doctrines that have served as a means to find my personalized answers are:
1. Not all trials have a reason behind them. In the New Testament, Jesus remarked that a man's blindness was not a result of his own, or even his parents', sin (John 9:1-3). James E. Faust expanded on this:
"The Savior’s teaching that handicaps are not punishment for
sin, either in the parents or the handicapped, can also be understood and
applied in today’s circumstances. How can it possibly be said that an innocent
child born with a special problem is being punished? Why should parents who
have kept themselves free from social disease, addicting chemicals, and other
debilitating substances which might affect their offspring imagine that the
birth of a disabled child is some form of divine disapproval? Usually, both the
parents and the children are blameless. The Savior of the world reminds us that
God 'maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on
the just and on the unjust.' (Matt. 5:45.)"
This is applicable to any type of difficulty; Boyd K. Packer said that "The
idea that all suffering is somehow the direct result of sin has been taught
since ancient times. It is false doctrine."
So where do some of the difficulties of life come from if not from sin or from God? Neil L. Andersen explained, "Not all the whirlwinds in life are of your own making. Some
come because of the wrong choices of others, and some come just because this is
mortality."
It's also worth mentioning what the LDS Church Handbook 2 advises:
It's also worth mentioning what the LDS Church Handbook 2 advises:
"Leaders and members should not attempt to explain why the
challenge of a disability has come to a family. They should never suggest that
a disability is a punishment from God. Nor should they suggest
that it is a blessing to have a child who has a disability."
2. We can endure, and become stronger because of, any trial. Notice I say endure, not enjoy - that is a very important distinction to me, because I think we often falsely believe that we have to make it through every rough patch with a smile. It can help, and it is often possible, but we'll all undoubtedly face trials that challenge us to our cores, putting us in survival mode. That is okay. We can still learn and become better through (and maybe some time after) such trials. Thomas S. Monson said:
3. There is always at least one who knows the depth of my pain and sorrow. Through the Atonement and His time on earth, Jesus Christ has perfect empathy. Dallin H. Oaks explained this beautifully:
"Our Heavenly Father, who gives us so much to delight in,
also knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive
the trials through which we must pass. We know that there are times when we
will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be
tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the
better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to
become something different from what we were—better than we were, more
understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger
testimonies than we had before."
James E. Faust also taught about how trials can change us:
"In the pain, the agony, and the heroic endeavors of life, we
pass through a refiner’s fire, and the insignificant and the unimportant in our
lives can melt away like dross and make our faith bright, intact, and strong.
In this way the divine image can be mirrored from the soul. It is part of the
purging toll exacted of some to become acquainted with God. In the agonies of
life, we seem to listen better to the faint, godly whisperings of the Divine
Shepherd."
3. There is always at least one who knows the depth of my pain and sorrow. Through the Atonement and His time on earth, Jesus Christ has perfect empathy. Dallin H. Oaks explained this beautifully:
"The Savior teaches that we will have tribulation in the
world, but we should 'be of good cheer' because He has 'overcome the world' (John 16:33). His Atonement reaches and is powerful enough not only to pay the
price for sin but also to heal every mortal affliction. The Book of Mormon
teaches that 'He shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and
temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which
saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people' (Alma7:11; see also 2 Nephi 9:21).
"He knows of our anguish, and He is there for us. Like the
good Samaritan in His parable, when He finds us wounded at the wayside, He
binds up our wounds and cares for us (see Luke 10:34). Brothers and sisters,
the healing power of His Atonement is for you, for us, for all.
"…At times we may despair that our burdens are too great.
When it seems that a tempest is raging in our lives, we may feel abandoned and
cry out like the disciples in the storm, 'Master, carest thou not that we
perish?' (Mark 4:38). At such times we should remember His reply: 'Why are ye
so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?' (v. 40).
"The healing power of the Lord Jesus Christ…is available for
every affliction in mortality."
I could go on (and on) about the ways my faith has been strengthened these past months, but most of them stem from these three basic principles. I'm grateful for each answer to prayer, each new gospel truth I learn through study or experience, and look forward to growing in faith even more in the time to come.
I could go on (and on) about the ways my faith has been strengthened these past months, but most of them stem from these three basic principles. I'm grateful for each answer to prayer, each new gospel truth I learn through study or experience, and look forward to growing in faith even more in the time to come.
