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Life has felt out of balance for me lately. I was feeling "off" for a while, and I've finally realized that's why - I don't have things in balance. I'm working on improving my personal balance with renewed goals and little improvements every day.
Of course, sometimes the hardest place to find balance is with Bug and everything autism brings to the table. Take last night, for example. I was feeling really proud of my efforts during the day (meeting some of those new goals!), and even felt like things were well in balance...until Bug woke up from his nap. He and Bear got into a fight, and just when I smoothed that over, Bug had a meltdown about the dinner I was attempting to make. I'm not proud, but I will admit that I was fuming for a few minutes (alone, after Dad got home). Sometimes, everything seems so unfair - that Bear gets the short end of the stick because Bug's needs are greater, or that we can't go out on a date once a week (or even once a month...or once every few months) because our babysitting situation is complicated, or that we have to cook pancakes for dinner because Bug will literally scream about not wanting chicken until we relent and cook the darn pancakes.
Bug's neuropsychologist reminded me a few months ago that, really, life isn't fair and we can't change that. We just have to find balance where we can get it. Bear doesn't understand Bug's needs right now, but he will eventually. And we've started doing what we can now to give him some balance, like a weekly playgroup with kids his own age, and giving him oodles of one-on-one attention while Bug is in school. At times, we do have to micromanage things throughout the day to make sure Bug is alright (we all have bad days, Bug included - his coping mechanisms are just much different than ours), but the rest of the time we look for and take advantage of those opportunities to teach him new skills.
Maybe more than anything else, I need to keep working on my attitude. Find balance where I can, let go of the rest, and simply remember to step back to see how far we've all come. What we are learning as a family, and how each of us is growing every single day, is in large part due to Bug and autism - the very thing that can make life seem so unfair. It's truly a blessing to have him, autism and all.
